Self-Care

“The alternatives are either to love others, which is a virtue, or to love oneself, which is a sin,” wrote social scientist and philosopher Erich Fromm, in his essay titled “Selfishness and Self-Love.”

While no one would argue with considering others, it could be worthwhile to re-examine our beliefs around being selfish. Do we really aspire to be without concern for ourselves? Or is it important to value and love ourselves, to think for ourselves, to have a life of our own and to be able to love others without losing ourselves? How do we differentiate between valuing ourselves and egotistically indulging ourselves?

The answers lie in self-knowledge. When we undertake an inner journey and come to truly understand ourselves—the sacred and profane dimensions of our lives—we develop the capacity to deal honestly, thoughtfully and lovingly with ourselves, as well as other people.

What’s on the list of top 10 ways to reduce stress? Exercise.

One of the top 10 ways of relieving anxiety? Exercise.

Maintain good health? Exercise.

Relieve depression? Build self-esteem? Improve self-image and confidence? Reduce tension? Improve mental sharpness and alertness? Increase immunity to certain diseases and health risks? Lose weight? Improve the quality of sleep? Exercise. Exercise. Exercise.

With a list like this, one might ask if there is any aspect of human life that isn’t helped by regular exercise. Not according to physical and mental health experts. Anyone and everyone who is concerned with health and well-being agrees: Physical activity is a vital component for optimum physical and emotional health. Regular exercise is the key to increasing the quality of life. Being active improves body, mind, and spirit.

With our busy lives, taking care of ourselves is more important than ever—yet it’s often the last thing on our minds. We have to meet that deadline, use any break time to run errands, accomplish all the items on our list. We all know the negative impact on our health that stress can have—even positive stress such as that caused by a promotion. Take this Self-Quiz to see how well you are taking care of yourself.

1. I ask for help and support. When I feel I need help, I ask for it from a friend, counselor, coach, or colleague.

2. I let go of the way things used to be. I accept the way things are.

3. Every day I do something physical even if it’s just a walk around the block or a 15-minute workout.

With people living longer than ever before, more and more individuals find themselves sandwiched between caring for their children and caring for their aging parents.

Coping with our fast-paced, always-connected world is stressful enough, but when you add double or triple the family responsibilities, well, it quickly gets overwhelming.

You’re probably losing time and energy worrying about things that aren’t getting done or things you have to do next. You may not realize just how much physical and mental stress you are under, or how much that has been sapping your effectiveness at work and at home. Guilt may be a constant companion. While you take care of your parents, you may feel that you’re not doing enough for your children, and vice versa.

If you’re like many of us today, the thought of doing absolutely nothing for an entire hour seems as wasteful as throwing a week’s worth of groceries out with the garbage. Indeed, free time with nothing to do can generate near panic among some of us who are overloaded and time-starved.

“We seem to have a complex about busyness in our culture,” says Thomas Moore, author of Care of the Soul. “Most of us do have time in our days that we could devote to simple relaxation, but we convince ourselves that we don’t.”

And yet, the harder we push, the more we need to replenish ourselves. As Stephan Rechtschaffen, author of Timeshifting, says, “Each of us needs some time that is strictly and entirely our own, and we should experience it daily.”

The importance of this downtime cannot be overstated. We see more clearly, we hear more keenly, we’re more inspired, we discover what makes us feel alive.

Most of us have been taught that it is more noble to give than to receive. While giving can be a wonderful, heart-warming experience, giving too much of our time and energy can be detrimental to both our physical and emotional health, leading to anxiety, overwhelm and burnout. Take this quiz to see if you are giving it all away.

1. I force myself to do things even when I don’t have the energy to do them.

2. I ignore my body’s “no” signals when I think someone’s needs are greater than mine.

3. I hate conflict, so I’ll do whatever it takes to avoid it, which often means doing something I don’t want to do.

These days almost all of us have so many demands placed on our time and energy, life can feel like a three-ring circus. And if you’re not up there on the tightrope, you’re down on the ground in the midst of tigers and lions, in charge of keeping a couple of dozen plates spinning in air.

Maintaining balance isn’t easy. It requires holding steady with the many responsibilities that are a normal and everyday part of life: home, family, friends and work, while at the same time recognizing and fulfilling personal needs and wants. Finding and maintaining balance when life can be so complicated and demanding is both an inside and outside job.

Inside—Only you can take care of yourself.

Consider how well you take care of yourself, both physically and emotionally. Do you eat healthfully and exercise regularly? Do you get check-ups and take preventative precautions? Do you set aside personal, quiet time for yourself? Do you make time to enjoy nature and art, filling yourself up again and again?

Over the last half a century, we have shaved off an average of two (precious) hours of sleep a night. According to a National Sleep Foundation poll this year, 40 percent of adults say they get less than seven hours of sleep on a weeknight, compared with the seven to nine hours that are recommended.

Of course, most of us know this. We burn the midnight oil, we get up way before the kids just to get things done. Our days are go, go, go! And it’s often hard to stay asleep once we get there.

And while most of us know that too little sleep makes us cranky, less focused and less available to those who need us, did you know this?

• Bodies deprived of sleep produce less leptin, an appetite-regulating hormone; this increases our craving for sweets and salty carbohydrates.

• Shortened sleep produces metabolic changes. These may lead to diabetes or may alter the nervous system in a way that could contribute to high blood pressure and heart-rhythm irregularities.

Symptoms of overwhelm can be physical (nail biting, clumsiness, neck ache); psychological (forgetfulness, rudeness, defensiveness); social (poor hygiene, inadequate boundaries); or spiritual (loss of sense of purpose, unsure of what’s important).

Its triggers are just as individual: a deadline, a certain tone of voice, change.

Noticing these symptoms and triggers is like setting off the two-minute warning buzzer—giving you time to implement your intervention techniques.

The Strategies

Write down all the nurturing things you can think of to do when overwhelm begins to visit. They’ll help you reconnect with yourself, to re-collect and re-focus your energy inside. Keep a copy with you and one at home. When you begin to notice your particular symptoms and/or triggers, use the list to remind yourself of things that have worked in the past. Here are a few suggestions. Be as creative as you want.

In today’s world, “white noise” suffuses our office buildings; music, news and sports broadcast in public places morning to night; leaf blowers scream; cell phones track us down with their insistent rings. Our homes offer no refuge either: On go the TVs and stereos as soon as we walk into the house; the computer hums an incessant, tuneless number; we talk constantly.

We seem to rush to fill up the silence, to cover it with some sound or another.

And yet, only in silence can we hear the voice of our heart.

“Silence allows us to open the door to our unconscious mind, feel the yearnings of our heart, follow the wisdom of our intuition, probe the origin of our aversions and understand the truth of our experience,” says Richard Mahler, author of Stillness: Daily Gifts of Solitude, Simplicity and Silence. “We at last get in touch with our deepest secrets, strongest passions, fondest wishes and happiest memories.”

There was a time when the word sabbatical was most associated with professors taking a year off from their teaching duties to do research or write a book. Today, sabbaticals are for everyone: overburdened care providers, entrepreneurs—just about anyone with the ingenuity to make it happen. The time off may help you find intellectual and spiritual renewal, allow you to transition to a new career, re-energize you for the work you already do, or give you more time to bond with your family.

In Escape 101—Sabbaticals Made Simple, Dan Clements and Tara Gignac tell us, “Your sabbatical is about living deliberately… It’s about unlocking the part of you that you know is still there, but may have been afraid to acknowledge.”

What Kind of Sabbatical Would You Like?

Get clear about what you really want to do with your time off and plan well so you get all you desire from it.

Creative Pursuits. Is it time to finally write that long-contemplated novel or take up the piano?

Travel & Adventure. How about a 3,000-mile bike trip across the U.S. or walking the Pacific Crest Trail?

Need someone to work extra days? Ask me. Someone who’ll clean up the place because we’ve scheduled an open house? Sure. I’ll even bring the cleaning supplies. Need someone to baby-sit your kids while you go away for a weekend? I’ll do it. Stay late? Cook extra? Loan money? Run an errand? Give up my bed, my book, my best outfit? You bet.

“This was my life,” said Sharon, 42. “I thought I had to do anything and everything people asked. Even if they didn’t ask, I’d find ways to accommodate them. And if I couldn’t, I felt guilty.”

Sharon was an expert, no-holds-barred, genuine “accommodater.”

Somewhere along the line she learned that her needs weren’t important. In fact, she had been accommodating others for so long and doing it so well, she didn’t even know what her needs were.

What she did know was that she was unhappy, that she sometimes felt angry and almost always felt guilty. She realized she allowed people to use her, but she didn’t know how to say no.

Read any magazine article or book about parenting and the author will advise the necessity of setting limits for children. “Set limits and stick to them,” parents are counseled. Limits create the structure and discipline that every child needs for healthy upbringing.

But for adults—especially those who tend to view other people’s needs and wants as more important than their own—setting limits is more than an exercise in discipline; it’s a vital component in good self-care.

Sometimes it’s difficult to learn to care for ourselves as much as we care for others. Especially if we feel uncomfortable or guilty saying “no.” We may fear losing someone or something if we set limits on how much time we can give or work we can handle or if we claim space for ourselves. But always giving in to the requests or demands of others is plowing a field where resentments take seed. And failing to assert our needs and wants or to stand up for ourselves is disregarding our physical, emotional and spiritual well-being.

Clearing away physical clutter often has the unexpected effect of clearing away emotional clutter, too, that may be holding us back from our heart’s desire.

In fact, organizing your life is one of the kindest acts of self-care there is.

Think about it: When things are organized, we spend less time looking for things, set a good example for our children, reduce overwhelm, do more with less time, make better use of our talents and skills, increase our self-confidence, feel more in control and make more/spend less money.

There is no shortage of ideas and books on how to organize. Julie Morgenstern, in her book Organizing from the Inside Out, takes the “how to” a step further and suggests that to arrive at any kind of a sustaining system, we need to understand and work with or around our psychological obstacles to a clutter-free environment. Do you see yourself in any of these obstacles?

Unclear goals and priorities. Organizing is about defining what’s important and setting up a system to reflect that.

On the job, in school, at home, we are increasingly imprisoned by the perception that time is a scarce and limited resource. We rush from one commitment or activity to another and believe that we haven’t a minute to spare. We yearn for more time, yet we often feel anxious and guilty when idle.

Is this how life is supposed to be?

No! Nor does it have to be.

But until we change our relationship to time, our lives will continue to speed away from us—at enormous cost to our health and to direct experience of ourselves and the world around us.

“There is no issue, no aspect of human life, that exceeds this in importance,” says Jacob Needleman, author of Time and the Soul. “The destruction of time is literally the destruction of life.”

When we learn to shift time, our relationships become more rewarding, our time spent alone is richer, our aging is more satisfying, our work is more fruitful and our stress and anxiety are less paralyzing, or even nonexistent.

To go on a retreat usually conjures up images of remote, sometimes exotic, locations for anywhere from a weekend to a month. When we can’t afford the time away, or the cost, we can still derive some of the benefit by finding ways in our everyday lives to retreat and renew. Here are just a few ideas:

1. Abstain from speaking. Silence leads to inwardness, even in the midst of family life.

2. Fast for a day or three. Fasting reminds us of the bounty of food available to us. It also lets the body rest from the busy-ness of digesting.

3. Spend a day in the garden. Or the container pots. Or a community garden. Anything to get your hands in the earth.

4. Go for a hike. Even an hour of one-on-one time with Mother Nature can reap huge relaxation dividends.

We do routine maintenance checks on our cars to keep them running well, and regular physicals to check up on our bodies. It’s also a good idea to perform routine check-ins with our minds and hearts to see if we’re keeping on track with what we want to do and create with our lives. Here are ten areas of inquiry.

1. Am I asking for what I need? Do I act as my own advocate?

2. Am I taking good care of myself? Check in with the physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual aspects of your life.

3. Is there something I need to do that I haven’t done? What’s in the way?

Seldom does time pass more slowly than when insomnia hits. And the next day at work can go just as slowly—and just as poorly—in your sleep-deprived state! Following are suggestions that might help you get to sleep and stay asleep.

1. Structure your sleep. Try to go to bed and arise at the same times every day.

2. Create a soothing bedtime routine. Watching the news or reading your e-mail are not good sleep inducers.

3. Create a suitable environment. Keep your bedroom quiet, dark and cool, and your feet warm.

Our surroundings play an important role in how we feel and, consequently, how we behave in all realms of our life. Here are 10 ways to make your environment support the best you.

1. De-clutter. Do whatever it takes to bring order to your space. Clutter is the enemy of clarity and relaxation.

2. Add flowers/plants. Living things help clean the air and clear the brain. Be sure to keep them fresh!

3. Keep relationships clear. Unresolved conflict with relatives or workmates can poison the best spaces.

Few among us would deny our lives are too complicated and filled with too much stress. Simplicity is about eliminating clutter – from your mind, your home, your relationships and your lifestyle. Following are ten ways to begin.

1. Get a clear idea of what you want your life to look like. This picture will help you discover what you must eliminate.

2. Let go of projects, roles or self-imposed obligations that take up time and keep you away from what you really want.

3. Say No to what you don’t want in your life. Say Yes to what you do want.

4. Schedule “break” days for yourself where you don’t do anything but what you really want. Don’t cancel them.

Self-care is not an “emergency response plan” to be activated when stress becomes overwhelming. When we consistently take care of ourselves and our energy, we are noticeably more effective and more productive—and usually in fewer hours. Put these tips into practice, and see what good business sense they make.

1. Create a nurturing work environment, with healthy air and lighting, supportive décor, ample water, high-protein snacks, etc.

2. Keep writer’s hours, even if you’re not a writer. Reserve blocks of focused time that are yours with no, repeat NO, interruptions.

.3. Start each week and each day with planning. Doing so increases productivity and success, and eases anxiety and stress.