Body Issues

Ours is a nation that starves, diets, purges, binges and exercises to the point of creating serious health problems, sometimes even causing death. And most of us are at least dissatisfied and at worst even hate some parts of our bodies. This is especially true for women, but men have body image issues, too.

How to turn the self-loathing into self-loving? Like all good and lasting things, it won’t happen overnight. It begins with small, positive steps. Here are just a few.

• Find at least one thing you like about your body. Write it down. Tomorrow, find another.

• Get rid of all the clothes that you don’t like or that make you uncomfortable.

• Tell your body how much you appreciate its wondrous abilities.

Fat. It’s what many people tend to see in the mirror. Like Alice in Through the Looking Glass, people with eating disorders inhabit an alternate reality, perceiving themselves as “fun house” reflections sporting thunder thighs and prominent girth—even if this image holds nary a grain of truth.

The pressure to look good is no secret; it’s bred into us from birth. Advertising especially targets prepubescent girls, hawking make-up and designer clothes. An Exeter University survey found that by the time they’re teens, more than half of all girls say their appearance is the prime concern of their lives.

Not every teen who diets to fit society’s definition of beautiful will develop an eating disorder. According to the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD), eating disorders are caused by a complex interaction of genetics, psychological issues, and social factors, such as a culture that promotes thinness above all else. Eating disorders are, however, an epidemic:

• Seven million women and one million men suffer from an eating disorder.

• 86 percent are afflicted before they turn 20.

• Only half say they’ve been cured.

Focusing on the ways our body serves us and how we can serve it helps us to accept—yes, even love—our bodies and stop obsessing about its appearance. Take this Thriving quiz to find out how well you love your body. Our own opinion of ourselves influences others’ opinions of us much more than we realize.

1. I appreciate that my arms enable me to hold someone I love, that my thighs enable me to run.

2. I wear comfortable clothes that I really like and that feel good to my body, rather than trying to hide or camouflage my body or to follow uncomfortable fashion trends.

3. I judge myself as a whole person, not just as a body.

4. I do things that let me enjoy my body—dance, take a hot bath, walk, get a massage.

5. I notice that the appearance of people I admire is unimportant to their success and accomplishments.

Who among us doesn’t believe that with a little tweaking, we could be just right—self-realized, self-actualized and self-helped to just short of perfection? But, the problem for many is that all the books, self-improvement tips and positive affirmations don’t seem to make us any happier. Worst of all, the minute we “fix” one ugly piece of ourselves, another nasty monster rears it head and starts screaming for attention.

When does self-help become self-hell? What would happen if we simply started by realizing how wonderful we already are?

As the pioneering psychologist Carl Rogers once wrote, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

“Believing that something is wrong with us is a deep and tenacious suffering,” writes Tara Brach, in her book, Radical Acceptance. “The more we anxiously tell ourselves stories about how we might fail or what is wrong with us or with others, the more we deepen the grooves—the neural pathways—that generate feelings of deficiency.”

We take another extra-strength aspirin rather than investigating what’s causing our head to ache. We use more caffeine or sugar to give us a lift when we feel tired, rather than hearing our body’s message about needing rest or recognizing our fatigue as an early symptom of burnout we’d do well to heed. A look at our pets may be all the message we need about the value of naps....

These days we’re notorious for putting deadlines ahead of the protests of aching bones or inadequately nourished bellies. (Is there hidden wisdom in calling a due date a deadline in the first place?) Instead of asking our body what it wants, we go for the quick fill-up or the comfort food that may be the last thing we really need.

So what to do to give your body an equal say in how you use it?

Start with the breath. Breathing consciously is a major part of body awareness. Turn off thoughts and just let yourself experience the inflow and outflow of breath. Label them, “In. Out. In. Out.” Note how and where you are breathing or failing to, a clear sign something important is going on.

Do you ever have thoughts like these?

My life would be better if I looked better.

I will never look as good as _____________.

My _________ is/are so ugly.

I am so fat.

That scale/size can’t be right.

I look disgusting; no one could ever love me.

If you do, you’re not alone. In a seminal study from the 1990s, author and psychology professor Linda Smolek found that 80% of American women are dissatisfied with their appearance. Unfortunately, not much has changed since then. And women aren’t the only ones with poor body images; numerous recent studies show that men are becoming increasingly afflicted as well.

Body image is not just a problem of being unhappy with what we see in the mirror, but also that our perception of what we see is skewed. For example, a University of Colorado study showed that the same women who overestimate the size of their waists by 25 percent were still able to correctly estimate the width of a box.

No matter your size, your shape, the flesh that jiggles, the bones that stick out, the maleness or femaleness of your contour—you will find in your moving body an expression of your deepest desires, your visions, your dreams, your one true voice that is inside you always.

“Nothing is more revealing than movement,” said pioneering modern dancer Martha Graham.

Graham understood the body as a source of insight into some of the core issues of one’s life—a source of knowledge and transformation, a pathway to awareness.

When we “move to learn,” rather than “learn to move,” we enter unknown inner territory. We begin to discover aspects of ourselves and our lives from fresh and refreshing perspectives. The personal history stored in our body becomes accessible for examination and dialogue.

Self-acceptance is something we do, not just something we feel. To say “I value myself” is an act of self-affirmation that provides a base from which self-esteem develops.

When we practice self-acceptance we don’t have to condone or even like everything about ourselves. In fact, it’s almost certain that we won’t. What it does mean is that we recognize and accept our thoughts, our actions, our emotions, our bodies, our dreams — everything about us — as our own.

“But I don’t want to be insecure (or afraid or judgmental or angry or fat or old or alcoholic or any of a dozen other things),” someone might say. “If I accept that about myself, it means I don’t want to change. Or I won’t change.”

Here’s the paradox: without acceptance of what is, it is impossible to change.

Self-acceptance is an action; it is something we do, not just something we feel. Try these 10 ways to practice acceptance.

1. Your body. Stand naked before a full-length mirror and notice your feelings. If you never would do something like that, notice and accept that, too.

2. Difficult emotions. When anger, fear or jealousy arises, focus on it. Breathe into it and notice how the feelings begin to subside.